i finished my third yoga weekend. this means that in just nine short months, i will be a 200 hour certified yoga teacher.
last month i thought it all started to click for me. and then i found myself attempting chaturanga dandasana and i wanted to cry on saturday morning. it’s a pose i still struggle with. it makes my life hell during a yoga practice. i don’t know what it is. but i hate it. i have this block and it gets me every time. i start to think i’m grasping it and then it all collapses around me again.
so, on saturday when the pose came up, i wanted to run. i wanted to pick myself up off the ground and just run outside and in to my car and cry.
(but i really, really, really wanted to.)
things ended better in our afternoon session when i decided to invoke darth vader and voldemort during our practice teaching sessions. but, i was really bothered by how i just wanted to quit.
the rest of the weekend kicked my ass as well. i was incredibly sore after our morning practice on sunday. and the philosophy conversation at the end of the day was great, but exhausting. it was mostly exhausting because of the shit i put myself through.
the phrase “don’t believe what you think” was repeated a lot. and i am beginning to find that i need to tattoo that on my arm so i can have a constant reminder. i think stupid shit all the time. here’s an example of what went through my head just this morning:
– my clothes suck.
– i’m way too fat to wear anything i actually like.
– ugh, why is my face doing that weird thing?
– why do i even bother with work?
– dammit, i woke up late again.
– why can i not just wake up when i should?
– didn’t get that yoga practice in this morning?
– i made the coffee too weak this morning. what was i thinking?
so, that’s just a short monologue (i’ve only been awake about an hour.)
but i do this every day. every hour. all the time.
we all do this, don’t we? we all put ourselves through this internal torture. and again, if we spoke this way to our friends, they probably would not be our friends.
this is one of my biggest challenges. to quiet the internal tirade against me and just start to be happy a bit.
because, the thing is, minus a few areas, my life is kind of great right now.
no, really. there are a few areas that i’m super struggling with – work and my dad. but for the first time in a long time, my personal life feels, well, really good. i think i may actually be happy.
and while we spoke about santosha (or contentment) i realize i need to just learn how to be there more. maybe if i don’t put out the anger as much, i won’t feel it as often.
i know what i need to do in the areas where i’m struggling. (or in the case of my dad, it’s just knowing that there’s nothing i can do except do what i am doing.) i need to find the strength and desire to move towards them. there’s this idea of not judging and not pushing beyond capacity. not being greedy. not wanting it all. this can be as simple as not falling into the belief of “he who dies with the most wins” but also about not pushing ourselves to strive for this kind of unattainable perfection.
i mean, come on. we’re all super flawed and frayed and falling apart at the seams. and it’s probably best we just accept that. prepare for failure. or as my teacher is pushing me to do, learn how to fall so that i can get up.