it’s been a shit week. there is no other way to put it.
i have not been personally affected. i didn’t know anyone who was killed or even the family of someone who was killed. but that doesn’t matter. my heart is still breaking thinking about it. unopened presents. broken holidays. it is all sad.
i don’t know what the right answer is. i know there is a lot broken in our country. we’ve heard a lot about it this week. there are too many guns. (really, who needs a 60 round clip?) our mental health care system is a disaster. throw in the economy ridiculousness – i sometimes wonder if the apolocalypse really is slated for soon.
plenty of people smarter and more eloquent than me have written about this. the mother jones piece on mass shootings is a great place to start. any of the president’s speeches. or some facts on violence and mental health. and any of the statistics regarding gun violence in our country and others. or the relationship between video games and violent. these are just a few starting points. i could link forever.
but, all i can really add is where i’ve been this past week. i’ve been sad. i’ve been angry. i’ve been fed up that this is frighteningly become a new normal for us as a society.
at the same time, i have found myself holding on to those i love a little bit tighter. i texted my oldest niece last friday evening to tell her i love her and asked her to hug her siblings. i have started giving my dad a goodbye hug every time i see him. (we aren’t usually huggers.) i have been more conscious of saying thank you for everything. i have been working on not using the word hate anymore. and i’ve been overcome with the need to remember how grateful i am for the good in my life. and not get caught up in the bad. life is not about good or bad (despite what the NRA says.)
there’s been a lot in my little world the past month. at work, our case load has suddenly become a little bit harder – not the work or the process. but the material. people suffer. and lately it seems to be more and more. in my personal life, there have been some stresses. i work hard to be a good aunt and always be there for all the kiddos (who are no longer kiddos these days, but that’s another post…) and it is hard when i know there isn’t an easy fix for some problems. all i can do is support and love. and sometimes it seems so futile. so tiny.
but lately, it also seems so important. i feel that despite being constantly “connected”, we may have become a little bit less connected. and right now, i want to connect more. i want to focus on gratitude and hope. it’s not much. but it’s all i really have.