it would be safe to say this is one of those weekends where i don’t know how to feel. i’m meeting my brothers in about an hour at the cemetery where we will plant some flowers and visit. then we immediately part ways because i need to take the wee pup to puppy school. he learns to do things with distraction today. we’ll see how that goes. (SQUIRREL)
i’m sad. i miss my mom. i’ll always be sad and i’ll always miss my mom. i suspect if i am lucky enough to be a mom one day, i’ll be even more confused. but, what do i do?
a lot about everything right now confuses me. i’ve been terrified of looking for a dress. i’ve given various excuses – i’ll be the fat chick in a white gown. they are so expensive. the prices are ridiculous. why does the dress matter so much?
but, the real reason dawned on me the other day. it sucks to look at dresses because my favorite confidante on fashion is not here. my mom, my mom had style. maybe not so much in her later days. but when she was younger, she was hot. and she knew how to put together an outfit. part of that is her innate skill in fashion that due to circumstance and life, she was never able to fully put to use. and part of that was growing up in the 50s and 60s. we watch mad men. we know that style was better tailored back then. you had a few nice things and you wore them well.
but i digress.
i need to find “THE DRESS” and i will have some wonderful people to help me along the way. but when it comes down to it, the one person i want there more than anything is missing. nothing i can do about it. i can bring photos to her cemetery plot and ask her what she thinks. but that’s weird. i can use her dress as inspiration. i really just have to go on faith. i know she would have had a blast helping me. and would likely have argued with the seamstress about how to adjust it.
i realize this post is just a jumble of words. some of which might make sense. but, the closer i get to not being able to put off the dress search, the more i want her around. and the more i fear the mess of tears i will be in that fitting room. i hope those around me are prepared. and i really hope i can look a quarter as lovely as this.