so, it’s here. another christmas season. another year is over.
this one has been … amazing.
i am in love with someone who gets me and who is my perfect match. we’re planning our wedding together. we have a puppy together. i have my own little family now.
i adore my friends. if last year was the year where i realized how happy i was to have them, this was the year i realized that without my little circle of friends (new and old and virtual) i’m not nearly as good.
i have a family i adore and don’t want to throttle for at least 90% of the time. (find me the person who can say that for 100% of the time.)
there are things that don’t make me happy. work, for one. or really, all. take away the work equation and things are pretty much all roses for me.
of course, i’m miserable right now. i’m overwhelmed with how much i dislike work. how far behind i am in christmas present making. the baking i haven’t done. and the sleep i have not yet had.
and i’m sad. the sadness, it runs deep. i can blame the tears on the exhaustion. but it’s more than that. sure, it’s the holidays. and holidays can’t help but make us sad. but this year, with all that i have, i want things i can’t have. i miss and yearn for more than perhaps ever before. and i find myself remembering random christmas stories about my mom. how she always caved and let me open presents on christmas eve. her late nights frying the zeppoli. the insistence on eating lentil soup. the shopping trips.
but the memories get fuzzy. maybe it’s because my life is moving so fast these days. but, every so often i have to stop and look at her engagement ring on my finger and close my eyes thinking of her voice. the sound that comes to me is nothing more than her laugh. her “ahhhh, haaaa.” it’s high pitched. it’s lovely. it’s all her. loud and clear.
i’ve been down this week. i’ve been stressed. i’ve been forcing myself to hear that laugh all day. it’s all that has kept me from crawling under my desk.