it’s my birthday. this happens every year. i had a momentary freak out the year i turned 30, but really, aging has never bothered me. i don’t mind getting older. and really, when i thought about it, turning 30 was fun. somehow a chunk of the insecurities that lived in me throughout my 20s went away.
what has caused me birthday stress is the feeling that i am missing something. that i am moving too slowly through life.
except, this year. this year is moving crazy fast and so much has happened. and it’s pretty much all wonderful.
i’m engaged to the most perfect person for me i could have imagined.
i’m beyond happy.
and i like where things are headed. (no need to talk about work for now…)
i know the planning of this wedding will be hard. i’m prepared for the tears and the sadness and the random feelings of guilt to pop up. i wish my mom was here. but i love knowing her ring is on my finger. i kind of hear her opinion in my head as i look at dresses and think about what to do for our wedding.
but the worst feeling in all of this is that she never saw this me. i feel like the daughter i was around her was not happy enough or content enough. i was always striving to be more, do more, be different, do different. i was never okay with how things were. and that wasn’t fair to her. i wish she was here to meet my future life with me and see this version of me.
so, be prepared those who know me. those who might be involved with the wedding planning. i may lose it at a dress fitting one day for no reason. i may suddenly flip out when trying to decide which entrees to serve. and it will be because something is missing. it’s something i can’t replace. i’m lucky. i have an incredible family. this family is those i was born with and those who have become part of my little circle of friends. these are the people who ground me and keep me centered and listen to me. it’s all a little bearable knowing i’ve made some good decisions in life. and it’s easier accepting that i’ll fall apart than pretending i’ll have no problems at all.
so, here it is another birthday. another year older. another year not much wiser. another scarf.