and if that’s not enough, how about this?
Except, this year it’s different. I find myself welling up over different things.
- The sight of my boyfriend curled up with his puppy.
- The thought of my dad taking his first vacation in maybe 5 years (even if it’s just two nights).
- The hope of a future.
- Being in the last module of my teacher training program. (Speaking of, I meant to work on my final exam with my extra time this morning. This is not my final exam.)
I’ve babbled a lot recently about contentment and being unusually happy with my lot in life these days. I’m looking forward to my future. Even if work sucks now, I see my other options. I am so much more confident that I control my future. Even those areas where I’m still stuck, it’s less desperate.
I don’t know what the trigger for new outlook is. I was told I look different. Happy or as my dad’s cousin said “you look the way you should have always looked.”
And this… this just causes so much guilt in my head. I don’t want to talk about it now, but I will say I don’t think any of this would have happened if I hadn’t had the shit in my life I had. And it hurts that my mom is not here to see it. I miss my mom every second of my life. And I feel it more intensely lately. She should be here. I have so much I want to talk to her about and ask her. (Instead I just write things here. Trying to grasp everything.)
And it pisses me off. I read something once that said I’d gradually feel less anger about everything. I’m still waiting. I’m mad. I’ve accepted what had to be. But it still makes me mad. I still feel the loss. I still struggle with seeing my dad this time of year. It’s wrong that not everyone got the chance to know her the right way. It’s unfair that my family has had to struggle so much.
But this year, I cry. I get mad. But it’s different. She should be here. But she’s with me. I feel it more than I did before. Maybe it’s just time. Maybe it’s this new happy. Maybe it’s just how it goes. Maybe one day it will all be figured out. But for now I accept that I’m going to be a crier. I’m going to be emotional. Deal with it.