- peanut butter m&ms. (although they’re almost evil in their tastiness).
- the tv show Chuck.
- my silver christmas tree.
- the existence of websites like Jezebel.
- good coffee.
sure, i should be working.
sure, i should be focusing on clearing off my desk.
sure, i should be actively working to earn my paycheck.
but, right now i need to slow down a minute. right now, i need to quell the rising tide of that stressed anxiety feeling floating in my belly. right now, i need to get to a place where i don’t immediately feel my breath stop and tears well.
why is this happening, you ask.
the simple answer is “it’s that time of year.” as basic as a clock turning towards the next hour or minute, as soon as thanksgiving hits it happens. it doesn’t matter what is happening in my life and how far from feeling sad i am, within a few days i collapse. i have so much to do. i have so much to get ready. and i have so many feelings. and the feelings usually add up to one big feeling. and that big feeling is lonely. it does not matter one big whoop who is in my life and how alone i am not. reality is not a factor in that feeling. i feel alone. and like i will always be alone.
i’ve analyzed this feeling to death. and i think this is the year where i just need to settle in to it. accept it as who i am. but instead of settle into it by wallowing. and crying. i decided to write a list.
this list is a focus on everything good. everything to make me happy. everything to make me feel less alone.
- my new home. it’s been six months since i officially moved in. i adore it. it’s a continuing work in progress and i am so happy there.
- my new life. a lot has changed for me in the past year. and when i’m not combating the holiday mean reds, i am really happy with where i am. and even more importantly, i am beginning to like me.
- my father being healthy. the prospect of surgery was terrifying, but his recovery has been amazing. and he is alive.
- my friends – new and old. i adore all of you. it’s because of you that i am starting to actually like me again. you know who you are. my life is better because of you.
- my shoes.
- my books.
- gluten free cupcakes.
- newington yoga center.
- auto insurance.
- bruce springsteen’s born to run.
- the old 97s
- jane austen
this list is a constant work in progress. i am going to be adding to this every moment i get overwhelmed. it calms me down. and centers me. and maybe will combat the overwhelming lonely.
ANN: In the mean time, can we mention that you choose well because I understand that you are DATING the lovely and vivacious Lauren Graham, who is so fantastic.
PETER: She is. She’s great.
AL: She plays your sister, right?
PETER: Yeah, she’s fantastic. She’s a fantastic actress and a wonderful person.
The Today Show | 11.16.10
I had no idea they were together! Oh my god! Oh my god. Awwww.
OMG. this just made my day. PS: I’m dying to be a Braverman.
i saw this live and was waiting waiting for them to ask him about Lorelai and then they did!! aww, tear.
OH MY GOD! IT’S LIKE MY BROTHER IS DATING LAUREN GRAHAM! Except, I adore my sister in law. BUT OH MY GOD! I WANT LAUREN GRAHAM TO BE MY SISTER.
okay, back to irrational overthinking thursday.
From The Manbottle Library:
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one’s teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
Think about it, and then click through (and scroll down) for the answer.
Did you get it right? Liar!
i am clearly taking a mental break at work as i sift through my anger.
- figure out what i’m making for christmas gifts.
- watch Die Hard again.
- watch Elf – repeatedly.
- find workplace motivation and be productive.
- in the alternative, give myself fake deadlines to force productivity.
- go to see live music (that once a week thing didn’t really pan out…)
- clean out my closet.
- organize my dresser.
- pay off one credit card.
- take naps.
Controversial Remarks of the Day: Yesterday it came to light that PBS had edited out remarks made by Tina Fey about Sarah Palin “and women like her” during her Mark Twain Prize acceptance speech.
This is what she said:
And, you know, politics aside, the success of Sarah Palin and women like her is good for all women – except, of course —those who will end up, you know, like, paying for their own rape ‘kit ‘n’ stuff, But for everybody else, it’s a win-win. Unless you’re a gay woman who wants to marry your partner of 20 years – whatever. But for most women, the success of conservative women is good for all of us. Unless you believe in evolution. You know – actually, I take it back. The whole thing’s a disaster.
PBS claims the remarks were cut because the show ran long. “We took a lot out,” says executive producer Peter Kaminsky. “[I]t was not a political decision. We had zero problems with anything she said.”
You can watch the unedited speech at PBS.org.
Remember how in grade school you have to write an essay and draw a picture of what you want to be when you grow up? Back then, I was stupid. I wanted to be a teacher. Or a waitress at Burger King (shut up all of your faces, like right now). But, really, if I had to do that assignment now, my answer would be:
When I grow up I want to be Tina Fey. Because she is awesome. And smart. And wears glasses. And has brown hair. And cracks jokes. And everyone says she is not “conventionally beautiful.” But really, that’s phooey because the woman is super hot and sexy. But, even more than that, she is a smart, confident woman who has managed to pave her own way and on her own terms. (or so it looks to me.)
Attached to that would be some wonderfully abstract drawing of Tina Fey at the Weekend Update desk.
marking the 2010 birthday
so, i thought about writing something today. at first i was going to write about how sad my birthday sometimes makes me. and about all the various sad things that have happened. and then i remembered, i am making pointed efforts to NOT be that person. i want to be a person who sees things as good. i am not going to dwell so much anymore.
sure, this time of year is a particularly rough one. sure, this particular fall has been tough.
but, i need to evaluate the past 12 months. a whole heck of a lot has happened. and for the most part, i am pretty fond of where i am. physically, personally, and emotionally.
i’ve taught myself in the past year to accept that while my brothers frustrate me to no end, the will be there for me. my dad and i are never going to be close in that way i want to be. but my dad is an amazing individual and i love him to death and sometimes i just wish he could see himself the way the rest of the world sees him. i think he’d be happier that way.
and really, it’s the last bit up there i want to talk about. in the past twelve months, i’ve come to realize that i don’t suck. actually, i’m pretty awesome.
and while my family is still the rock and support they always have been, i’ve finally taught myself to accept that my friends are just as much there for me. whatever fear i’ve carried in life of connecting to people and keeping them close is slowly chipping away. forgiving is tough. being vulnerable is even more tough. but, i adore my friends. and this year i have met so many wonderful, wonderful people. and through all of them, i’ve come to realize that i have a lot more to offer this world. and for that, i am eternally grateful to every person who has crossed my path. you know you are. you know what you mean to me. and i will probably never stop being happy to know you.
yes, i still bitch. yes, i still use sarcasm as a defense mechanism. yes, i am still not 100% happy go lucky in my life. but, for the first time in a long time, i’m more than just content. i’m not just biding my time anymore.
and that is what i’m looking towards this birthday. my resolution to myself is to stop focusing on the negative. accepting the bad moods as they rise and acknowledging them. but really trying to stem the tide of overthinking and, let’s face it, sabotaging the good things. and most importantly, accepting myself. because, well, i’m awesome.
it’s true. i read it on the internet.
(oh. and a big fat thank you to all the veteran’s out there.)
I have only read 4 off the list and 5 off the shortlist.
How about you?
I’ve only read 3 total! Honestly, I think the list is a bit trendy. I’m not sure some of those books belong on there, especially A Million Little Pieces.
I love lists like this. No, it’s not accurate. And we can argue what is worthy to be on there until we are blue in the face and out of breath, but it’s so much fun to debate and argue and analyze.
Personally, Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius is breathtakingly amazing. The Beach is a tad overrated but still incredible. Oscar Zao = BORING. And The Road is on my list.
I am looking forward to a cold weather season of fireside reading.