Merry Christmas! I miss you. I think that’s it. I’ve been really a mess the past week – at least inside my head. I started crying during Elf!
I thought it would be easier this year. I really did. I thought that once we got through the first Christmas, the next one would be easier. It’s just as hard. I think it might be harder. Last year I worked so hard to make it perfect. I wanted to relish in your memory and make it the greatest Christmas. You loved Christmas. Didn’t you? Christmas Eve was your holiday. I wanted to keep that spirit and that memory alive. And maybe I broke down while watching some sappy chick flick on HBO, but I still made it through. I had the energy.
This year, though. This year I just want to curl up in a ball and pretend none of this is happening. I have so much to do today. And I don’t want to do it any of it. All I can think about is how much I miss you. How much I just want you to be here and give me a hug. To tell me I’m doing okay and everything will be fine.
Everything seems wrong lately. But I thought about it – while listening to the Glee soundtrack and suddenly getting sad because you’d adore that show – I think I’m so frustrated because of you. I think it’s you making me realize how much better I am than the job I’m in. It’s you that made me pull the sewing machine out. It’s you giving me the creativity to play with gluten free recipes. It’s you that made me finally speak up for how unhappy I am at work. It’s you making me reach out to family I have not talked to in years. (I have to ask though – is it you that keeps helping me do silly things like that time I tripped walking into a meeting? Because, well it’s a little uncomfortable, but also hilarious. So thanks?)
I don’t yet know how to make everything not wrong. I wish I could snap my fingers and make everything better. I wish it didn’t hurt so much whenever I remember that you are not here. I get so scared that I’ll forget you.
Let’s make a deal – you keep reminding me to figure out how to make things right and not wallow in how wrong everything is and I’ll get up and clean and make sure this is a great Christmas.
Thanks. I miss you mom. I miss you everyday. I love you. I hope you know that.